Emmett Plays With Feminine Products
by The Brown Eyed Writer
Summary: This is a funny one shot! What happens when Emmett goes through Bella's purse! Read and find out! Takes place after New Moon. The Cullens are vampires, and Bella is human. Review and add to your favorites! I promise you'll be in tears by the end!
1. Chapter 1

BPOV

"Bella! Bella! Get up now!" I heard an annoying pixie say. She was jumping on the bed. I kept my eyes closed and reached up to feel her face. I found her nose and started pushing on it rapidly.

"Bella, what are you doing?" she asked.

"Looking for the snooze button," I said.

"Bella, get up. You're coming over to our house today," she said.

"Bella, love. I tried to get rid of her, but she wouldn't leave," I heard my angel say.

"Fine," I grumbled. I sat up and rubbed my eyes.

"I already set your clothes out. Oh, and you'll need this," Alice said as I opened my eyes. She tossed me something in a blue wrapper. I actually caught it, for once. Edward was sitting next to me, as I looked at what Alice tossed me. Oh. My. God.

"Alice!" I screeched, putting it behind my back.

"Oh, Bella, please. Edward knows what that is and what you go through every month. You might want to hurry. It starts in 5 minutes," Alice said.

"Alice, please! Enough talk about my time of the month…..in front of _my boyfriend_!" I said. "It's really uncomfortable for me," I added.

"You think you're uncomfortable?" Edward scoffed.

"Shut you mouth, boy! You don't know what I go through each month! I have to have major cramps and to top it off, my best friend talks about tampons and my time of the month in front of my _boyfriend_!" I snapped at him.

He cowered at my rant.

"Alice, call Jasper. She' PMS," Edward said looking at Alice.

"Shut up! I am not! And what the hell is that smell?" I asked. It smelled good, but I didn't know where it was coming from.

"Oh, I got you scented tampons. It's just to help disguise the scent of blood for us vampires," Alice said.

"They have scented and unscented? What's the difference? A tampon is a tampon. They're all the same," Edward said. I _know_ we're not having a discussion of tampons.

"Actually, they're not," Alice said. Apparently, we are having a discussion on tampons. "You got scented or unscented; then you got super plus, super, regular, light; then you got either slim or a regular one; then you got either plastic or cardboard; then you got different brands like Always, Tampax, Pearl-" I cut Alice off.

"Okay! Enough talk about tampons! No more around my boyfriend, Alice! For a vampire, you know a lot about tampons," I said.

"Why in the world would you stick cardboard or plastic up your-" Edward began.

"EDWARD ANTHONEY MASEN CULLEN! Do NOT finish that sentence! If you two love me, you will stop talking about tampons!" I screeched.

Alice and Edward cowered in their boots at that.

"Now, I'm going to get dressed. Edward, will you please make me a bowl of cereal?" I asked smiling sweetly at him.

"Y-yes ma'am," he stuttered.

I kissed his cheek and headed off to the bathroom. Alice laid me out a blue v-neck top with dark skinny jeans and brown Ugg boots. I went downstairs to find Edward and my cereal at the table.

"Hey," I said. I leaned in and kissed him lightly before sitting down across from him.

"Hey," he said.

"So, we're going to your house today?" I asked while eating my cereal.

"Yeah," he said.

"Well, I need to pack more….girl stuff," I said.

"Already taken care of," he said.

I stated choking on my cereal. I looked at him with wide eyes.

"Please tell me you didn't," I said.

"No, Alice did," he said with a smug smile.

I sighed and finished my cereal. When I was done, I grabbed my purse and we set off for Edward's house. When we arrived, we were greeted by Jasper and Emmett screaming at a football game.

"Go Dallas! Go baby! Go! Yeah! Yeah! That's what I'm talking about! Cowboys rule!" Jasper said, jumping around, waving his hands in the air.**(A/N: Jasper is talking about the Dallas Cowboys. My dad is a DC fan and I decided to put that in there, because Jasper is from Texas, so he is going to root for DC.)**

Jasper and Emmett were standing up in front of the TV.

"Man, that will be the only touchdown Dallas gets today. Seattle will come back. I bet 200 bucks, Seattle wins," Emmett said.

"Okay, I'll take you up on that bet. The Cowboys are undefeatable. Especially wit Tony Romo as the quarterback," Jasper said, shaking Emmett's hand.

"Please. Tony Romo is too caught up with Jessica Simpson. You know, I heard she was prego with his bebo," Emmett said.

"Emmett, what is bebo?" Jasper asked.

"It stands for baby, duh," Emmett said.

"Then why didn't you just say bay instead of bebo?" Jasper asked.

"Because then it would throw off the whole rhyming sequence. I'm inventing a new catch phrase now," Emmett said.

"Emmett, remember last time you tried to invent a new catch phrase? The teacher thought you cussed her out in English," Jasper said.

"The phrase, 'So fetch,' has nothing to do with cuss words. That lady did not know English," Emmett said.**(And yes, I mean 'so fetch' from Mean Girls.)**

"Emmett, we were in London. They speak French in London," Jasper said.

"Sorry! I didn't know!" Emmett said. Jasper shook his head at Emmett.

"Um…..guys, don't mean to interrupt your…..whatever you call that, but the human is here," I said. They turned to see me and Edward walking in the door.

"Bella!" Emmett said. He came over to me and gave me a big bear hug.

"Can't……breathe," I said. He set me down and laughed. He then started sniffing the air.

"What's that smell?" Emmett asked.

"What's is smell like?" I asked.

"It smells really good," he said. He lowered his nose to me. "Oh, it's you. Do you have on a new perfume?" he asked.

"No," I said.

Emmett shrugged and went to join Jasper back at the TV. Edward and I went and sat down on the couch. I sat in Edward's lap while he played with my hair. Soon, Edward got up and started roaring with Emmett and Jasper. He was also betting 200 bucks on Dallas. Emmett was all alone.

Dallas was up by 24 points. The score was 24-0. After another hour, the game ended with a score of 35-7. Dallas won. Emmett unwillingly handed Jasper and Edward 200 bucks each.

"Pleasure doing business with ya," Jasper said in his Southern accent.

"Oh, shut it. I'm bored. I'm going upstairs," Emmett said. With that, he ran up the stairs.

"Hey, Bella. Let's go to my room," Edward said.

"Okay. Let me drop off my purse in the bathroom," I said.

We walked up the stairs, I dropped my purse off, and followed Edward to his room. We sat on his couch for a little while and listened to music.

"So what do you plan on doing with 200 bucks?" I asked.

"I'm probably going to buy something nice for my girlfriend," he said, stroking my cheek.

"You will not," I protested.

"It's my money. I'll do whatever I want with it," Edward said with a smug smile on his face.

"Who said I had to accept it?" I asked.

"I did," Edward said.

"And why would I listen to you?" I asked.

"Because you love me," he said pulling puppy dog eyes. That did not work on me.

"Whatever," I said rolling my eyes.

Edward dramatically gasped. He made a hurt face and put his hand over his heart.

"You don't love me?" he asked. He was hilarious. I couldn't help but laugh.

"Of course I do," I said kissing his nose.

He laughed along with me and kissed me tenderly. I put my hands in his hair and pulled him closer. He froze and pulled away.

"What?" I asked.

"Bella, you need to go to the bathroom," he said.

I was confused at first, but after a couple of seconds, I got his point. I blushed deep red and looked down. He put his finger under my chin and lifted up my face to meet his eyes.

"There's nothing to be embarrassed about. It's natural. Now, go before I eat you," he said in an imitation of Dracula. I laughed and jumped up and headed to the bathroom.

The door was open. I stopped dead in my tracks when I got to the door frame. Then, I fell over laughing at the sight in front of me. Everyone came to see what I was laughing at hysterically.

"Bella! What are you laughing at?" Alice asked.

I couldn't breathe! I pointed into the bathroom! They all looked at what I was laughing at. Then _they_ all fell over laughing on the floor, too. We were literally on the floor, holding each other laughing. Even Carlisle and Esme were on the floor laughing. I had tears coming down my face it was so funny. Alice pulled out her camera and took a picture.

Emmett was in the bathroom, with my open purse sitting on the toilet seat, and there were tampons and pads everywhere. He had a pad stuck to his forehead, and was holding a tampon, that was out of its wrapper, to his nose, sniffing it like it was a Sharpie marker and he wanted to get high off of it. It was the funniest thing I have ever seen. When he heard us laughing, he turned to us.

"Hey, Bella! I found your perfume! It smells just like you! I thought you said you weren't wearing any perfume. Well, I want some! But it's in this weird plastic thing," he said. "Oh, and thanks for the cool sticker, too!" he said pointing to his forehead that still had the pad on it.

That made us erupt into more laughter.

"Hey, Bella. How do you make the perfume come out?" he asked. I couldn't answer. I was laughing too hard.

"Oh, I see. You push this little thing," he said, pushing up the long handle that pushed out the tampon. The tampon came out and he caught it in his head. He brought it to his nose and sniffed it, again.

"Do I rub this on me?" Emmett asked.

Again, I couldn't breathe to even tell him. I was still laughing. My shirt was stained with my tears from laughing so hard.

"I'll take that as a yes," he said. He then started rubbing the tampon all over his arms, chest, shirt, and neck. The next thing he did, made us laugh even harder. He lifted up the pad and stuck the tampon string between his head and the pad, then put the pad back in place. So now, the tampon was hanging down in his face. We couldn't hold it in. We were in hysterics. Poor Jasper had it bad. But somewhere between our laughter, Alice managed to record everything. When I say everything, I mean _everything_. From the time she saw him to now and she wasn't even done. Blackmail!

I decided he had enough torture, and I tried to stand up. I had to grab the door to balance myself out I was still laughing so hard.

"E-Emmett-t," laugh, "s-stop-p," laugh. "T-that's," laugh, "n-not p-perfum-me," I managed to get out

"Then what is it? And why didn't you tell me sooner you had these cool stickers?" he asked, pulling out more pads and holding them up.

I doubled over and laughter and fell on top of Edward. I would have a bruise tomorrow, but right now, I could care less. I was too busy laughing. I landed on Edward's chest and he caught me. Our eyes were all closed laughing so hard that if you passed by randomly, you would think we're crazy.

"What's so funny?" Emmett asked. Okay, I know Emmett is stupid, but is he that stupid?

"Come on, guys! I want to know what's so funny," Emmett whined. I take that as I yes.

We laughed for another 30 minutes before we sobered up from our laughter. We still all had giggles escape our lips. We all stood up and turned to Emmett, who had a confused look on his face.

"Emmett, that is no perfume," I said.

"The what is it?" he asked.

"A tampon. And those 'stickers' are pads," I said.

"What are 'tampons' and 'pads'?" Emmett asked. And the bad thing is, Alice is still recording all of this.

"Emmett, go downstairs while I use the bathroom, and I'll come down and explain it all to you," I said.

Emmett walked downstairs with everyone, with the pad and tampon still stuck to his head and more pads in his hand. I finished up and went downstairs. I sat down next to Edward. I turned to Emmett and told him all about tampons and pads. When I finished, he jumped up, screamed like a girl, tore the pad and tampon off his head, threw the other pads in the air, and ran around the house, still screaming like a girl. He continued that way until Carlisle calmed him down.

"I'm never coming out of my room. Carlisle, you'll have to bring me my food," Emmett said before he ran up to his and Rose's room. We heard a door slam shut and what sounded like a construction zone going on. A couple minutes later, there was silence.

"Did he just bolt up his door?" Rosalie asked.

"Yes," Edward said.

Rosalie ran upstairs.

"And cut!" Alice said. She recorded the whole thing. The whole enchilada.

"This is so going on the school website and YouTube," Alice said.

"Oh, I'll help!" I said.

We ran to the computer and uploaded it to the school website and YouTube. We named it "Emmett Plays With Feminine Products".

**Okay I hope you enjoyed that! I was literally crying the whole time! I just got the idea a typed it out! Review please and add it too your favorites. Thanks for reading!**


	2. Translated To Spanish!

**Dear Readers,**

**This story has been translated into a Spanish version! So be free to read it if you speak Spanish! And let me know if something is not right in it! I used an online translator because I don't know that much Spanish! Thanks guys!**

**Taylor**


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